learnedoptimism’s blog

i really don't have any great excuses for neglecting this blog.  im sick and tired of blaming everything but myself for my failures.  paula (my wonderful girlfriend) and i had a very deep conversation last night and i have realized my depression is hindering all aspects of my life.  attached to my depression is my weight, worry, and anxiety problem.  i've lost desire for all of my old hobbies and i'm slowly shutting down.  i can't wait until my health benefits kick in and i can get back into therapy.  the best thing that happened to me was my suicidal ideations a little over a year ago that led to my hospitalization and some intensive out patient therapy, i never felt better then i did after completing that program, but now i know i must continue therapy and im praying for my benefits to kick back in soon.  until then i am trying to make baby steps towards helping myself.  i have an appointment at curves tomorrow to start their fitness study, and im going to grocery shop so we quit eating unhealthy take-out.  the sad part is i have all the tools i need (other than health insurance) to get better but just have 0 motivation - so i will be posting reminders and affirmations around so that i can get this ball rolling. pray for me!

I am sorry I haven't blogged in a few days i have been busy with my aunt and two cousins who are on spring break from school.  despite they are going through rough times with my aunt's pending divorce, they were in great spirits, and thankfully lifted mine.  It is very hard to always think positive when there are so many negative things going on in the world around you.  we are all looking forward to my aunt and kids finally moving up here in June so we can surround them with the love and devotion which they deserve after the hell they've endured with their dad.  I can't wait to do all the girly girl things with my teenage cousin regina, and teaching my ten year old cousin jojo some manners because he is such a BOY.  I am so thankful for my parents who are still very happily married and truly my best friends.  so as i sit here thinking of what an ASSHOLE my uncle in law is i can turn my thoughts towards how blessed i am, and how blessed they will be once they move up here with us.

i'm like the poster child for what's commonly referred to as 'the secret' or the 'law of attraction' gone horribly WRONG.  for every positive thought i think i wipe it out with 2 or more negative ones.  this is the biggest habit i must break in order to change.  i know i can do it, i am well on my way to the awakening i have been longing for all of these years.  becoming conscious of the problem and open for change is the first step. 

i grew up around both a positive and negative influence.  my mother and maternal grandmother live the secret and i can see it working through them.  my father and paternal grandmother is where i learned about anger, negativity, anxiety, and worry, all of which consume my life.  my father now age 50ish is finally letting his anger go and has mellowed out so much.  i just hope to continue to see him evolve and to see the power and possibilities of change, through him.

one thing i can say for certain is, i wil instill this great secret in my children at a young age, because i firmly believe the thoughts and energy you put out is exactly what you get back. 

for those of you not hip to the secret, may i suggest a book called you can heal your life by Louise Hay, or for the people with a massive vocabulary, who wll enjoy a bit more of a challenging read, try a new earth by Eckhart Tolle.

for anyone trapped in a vicious cycle of negative thinking, and self hate, you can turn it around.  your past thoughts created your past, it is your present thoughts that create your now, and shape your future.

i hope to be an example of this new pnenomenon (thanks to Oprah), only time, my willingness to change, and my thoughts will tell.

introductory posts are always the most frustrating because there is always so much you can say.  it has been such a long time since i've kept a blog but i look forward to the space to just literally be me without any judgements.  it is tough to admit but i don't really like myself very much so this year is all about improving my life, health, self esteem, and most importantly my relationships with loved ones.  i've been battling depression and anxiety for quite sometime and i haven't been taking very good care of myself.  i am inspired to be a better person for the people i love like my girlfriend paula, my parents, my second family, and my friends.  i'm going to use this space to be accountable to myself and measure my successes as well as document my struggles and my setbacks.  i plan to be completely honest, open, and raw-even if it hurts putting the words into text.  i hope to find other bloggers with similar goals, and journeys.  most importantly i just want a place to start to heal whatever wounds i have that seem to be holding me back.   

my goals include:

losing weight (lots of it), which includes having a more active life style, eating healthier, and to stop using food to comfort myself

gaining new self esteem and loving myself, which i think will come from the healthier lifestyle

learning to cope with stress and to stop worrying about everything

being a better girlfriend, family member, and friend

getting back into my hobbies like photography, web design, and journaling

finishing school, current goal is my bachelor's degree in Psychology